I remember being four years old and angry. lol I was angry that I hadn't seen somebody in some time and I wanted to see him. I didn't understand why I couldn't see him and I was very determined to make my mother bring him to see us again. (My mother was trying with my biological father. She was trying to make things work, but thankfully...they didn't. :) I remember holding the little barbie crown in my hands that had been on the princess barbie he had given me awhile back. I only had the crown left because my biological father decided to take it upon himself to throw away my barbie doll. That man that I had wanted my mother to get to me by a "train, or boat, or car...whatever it takes!!!" (as mama told me I had said to her without knowing she was on the phone with him) is now my father. (Or step father if you want to be technical :P lol) That man has made such an impact on me since I was four years old, it's unbelievable. He has held me as I cried, countless times, over my biological father, he's been my teacher when I was about to bang my head into the wall because my school work, "makes no flippin sense!!!" as I would put it sometimes. lol He is not perfect, but he is an angel sent down to me. He was the gift God gave my mother and myself after my biological father just decided not to really give a crud anymore, or even try too...My father is going to be gone for six months. Two months for Basic Training, and four months for Tech School. I'm crying as I write this post, because I miss him already...I have tried to force myself to not think about it, but it is coming. I know that this what is best for our family. I know it will help dad too. But the thought of him being gone for so long hurts my heart...
It is almost a new year and I can feel the changes that are coming. I know that during this time, my family, my dad, and myself are going to change so much. Change is a scary thing, at least for me. Even if it's exciting, it can still be scary. It can be scary because...it's new. It's something that you've never experienced, or just something you're just not used too...My mom says, "It's fear of the unknown."...My faith has faltered many times in my life. There have been times when I didn't want to pray. I didn't want to talk to God, because quite frankly, I was mad at Him. (lol) It's so hard sometimes for me not to think, "You're God! You can do anything! Why are you letting this happen? Snap your fingers, utter a word, or just breath and change it! I know You can...Please. " But, I seem to forget that He is God, as I just told Him. (lol) He is smarter than me. Now, thinking back to those times that I fussed ,in a way at Him(lol), those times helped mold me. They helped me move forward. They've helped me help others...I've been pouring myself into His word. Just drinking up the Bible. It's is what eases my soul. It's like Him grabbing hold of my by the shoulders, forcing me to look into his eyes and telling me that everything is going to be alright. Then like the little child I am, I nod and sob in His arms for even doubting Him once, even though He knows good and well, I'll probably do it again. As strange as life is, I am absolutely positive about these things: I am loved, I have Jesus there for me at a drop of the hat, I am saved, I have a beautiful family, I have friends that I love dearly, Dad is leaving, Dad is coming back, I love dill pickles, I love my future husband where ever he may be, I still love eating ice cream when it's cold outside, and I'm so happy I can listen to music. Those were in a weird order, but that was the way they popped up in my head. (hehe)
Dad will probably be leaving sometime in Feb. I will miss him so very much. For now, I will be strong and cherish every time his large hand wraps around mine while we say dinner prayers, every hug, and every playful shove my daddy gives me...Thank you God for giving me such a wonderful dad...<3
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